Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Edge of thirty-three

This morning, with my snazzy new rainbow hoodie of radness


Today I read last year's birthday post, and I am really happy to tell you that I am in a completely different place than last year's emo fest about turning 32. I feel that lightness that I strove to feel last year, and I am looking forward to my birthday. Whew. That's a relief! Emo birthdays are no fun at all.

Naturally there are things that reading last year's post made me re-visit, though, that eesh, are a bit emotional and unfortunate, and kind of make me wish I hadn't read it -- at least not today. What has happened in the last year?

The bad: Well, I had to cancel my trip to Germany at the last minute after Scott got into a horrible motorcycle accident; I ended up taking the time off anyway, to help him through his surgery and recovery. Things between us have been an emotional roller coaster ever since. I've struggled with intense anxiety and depression as a result, since last summer -- something I'm still spending a lot of time trying to get a handle on. In October, I injured my hip while running, which led to five months of chronic pain and rehabilitation. In March, my entire world was turned upside down when my beloved uncle committed suicide. In early June, I found out I have blood pressure problems.

Those are some pretty big bad guys. I think we can agree.

And yet.

I really strongly prefer to focus on those good things, because I will not allow bad things that happen to define me.

The good: Every day with G, the sweetest partner, who always calms me down when I need calming, makes me laugh, encourages me to be myself, and makes me a better person. So many wonderful shows and music festivals. Rediscovering my love for puzzles. Remembering what it's like to have great hair (my hair is definitely better than last year!). In February I went on the most amazing vacation, my first solo international vacation, to Isla Mujeres, and it meant so much to me, those five days in paradise by myself, that it's really hard to describe just how important it was. Those days in Isla Mujeres were also the last days I ever spoke to my uncle, and that trip holds great emotional significance for that reason (and so many more reasons). I started running again. I've started doing a lot of yoga again. I'm trying really hard to get through my anxiety and any depression that lingers. I'm planning a trip home at the end of the summer. Every day, shooting photos, cooking delicious local food, going to the farmers market, loving San Francisco ... and ultimately. every day, working toward being a more authentic me. It feels good.

There's a lot more good than bad.

I think this is how it's going to be from now on. That's how life is -- good and bad, always mixed together. That's how we have to live our lives. That's not bad, that's just life!


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I have a lot of really good stuff planned for this birthday. I'm taking tomorrow off, first and foremost, which I usually do on my birthday. Here's what I'm planning on doing:

  • Starting off the day at Morning Gloryville SF, a morning rave, with Meghan.
  • Then, I am finally getting my hair cut (so so overdue) 
  • Lets keep it real: I am almost certainly having Thai food for lunch.
  • In the afternoon, I'm going to two yoga classes in a row, and that is so exciting!! 
  • In the evening, G and I are going to a screening of a documentary about industrial music. 
  • Then, we're having dinner at one of my favorite Mexican places, Don Ramone's. 
  • Somewhere in there I will need to fit in a run. 
Ta-da! This is the plan. Who knows how it will vary, but I hope it doesn't, because this is shaping up to be one of my favorite birthdays ever. Life, you're good. You're really good.



       

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