Saturday, April 18, 2015

Project 365 | 076-90

I realized earlier today that it's been nearly a month since my uncle died (Monday will mark one month). I feel like I've been in some kind of alternate reality time travel situation over the last month. It at once feels like yesterday and an eternity since my family's life was so disrupted. I don't really know how I'm feeling. I keep forgetting, in my everyday life, to go easy on myself. Life seems "normal" much of the time, but is it? Is it really? I don't think it is. Life goes on after someone dies, and one of the hardest things is dealing with re-integrating yourself back into "business as usual" when for you, part of your life will never go on, ever again.

I struggled so badly with this particular point after my dad died. I'd never experienced loss before, and certainly not traumatic loss. I was only 20 years old. I didn't have a great support system back home, and all of the feelings I felt were new to me. I didn't understand how to resume my life, and as a result I spent an entire summer sitting in front of my computer in a dark loft, not at school, not at a job, doing pretty much nothing. I resented the world for continuing on. Didn't it understand I couldn't? Why did people expect me to be totally fine when I returned home from the funeral?

This time around, I feel like an "old pro" (isn't that horrible?) but that too is a fallacy. Even though I've gotten pretty good at compartmentalizing and putting bad stuff out of my mind in order to function, that doesn't mean I've dealt with everything, or maybe anything. I experienced a similar dulling of my senses after my grandfather died in 2010, and I'm not sure I dealt with that for at least a year. But you can't force these kind of things to behave a certain way. They just happen, whether you want them to or not, and on their own time frame. Eventually I dealt with my grandfather's death. I'll deal with this, but it's going to take time. And I need to remember that I'm off kilter.

Part of this is that I totally fell behind on posting these Project 365 blog posts, without even thinking about it. And now I have much to catch up on. And it means I'm reliving everything a bit.

We're going all the way back to March, about a month ago. Enjoy -- I absolutely love a lot of these photos, and spring is in full force. A story of the last month, told one day at a time:


March 17th: Spring in Berkeley (this will be a theme, believe me) // also, look up (I've been doing this more and more)

March 18th: more spring in Berkeley. I spend a lot of time searching out blossoms at this time of year. 

March 19th: Clan of Xymox at DNA Lounge -- an amazing night of music <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 not a great photo. I tried! 

March 20th: Berkeley architecture, which I love so much. Lines, geometry, color. 

March 21st: After finding out about my uncle, I went to the loft, and my beautiful sweet Zeke was there to comfort me.

March 22nd: Pigeon on the building across the street // look up // I didn't leave the house all day on this sober Sunday.

March 23rd: I spied a lucky ladybug on a plant while walking to lunch in Berkeley. It was the first good omen in days.

March 24th: I know you're surprised, but this is more spring in Berkeley, guys! I knew it could leave while I was in Idaho.

March 25th: Looking out the window at SFO, at the plane that later flew me to Boise. I felt so much dread at this moment.

March 26th: Spring in Boise was absolutely amazing, more beautiful than I ever could have imagined. Such a juxtaposition.

March 27th: At BOI, looking at the plane that later flew me (in first class!) back to San Francisco. 

March 28th: Harassing gulls at the farmers market. My dad's birthday. I bet this is my dad as a gull, the look is perfect

March 29th: a gorgeous, absolutely amazing spring Sunday in Hayes Valley // Patricia's Green

March 30th: I found an abandoned monster truck toy on 4th Street in Berkeley. THE RAMINATOR. 

March 31st: I went on a walk in the morning in west Berkeley and came upon a harbinger of April: gorgeous wisteria




No comments:

Post a Comment

 
site design by designer blogs