Sunday, April 19, 2015

Project 365 | 091-105

Well, here I am again, back to post the rest of my backlogged Project 365 photos. In case you mistakenly thought I was sane, I must confess that for some reason I really love that the first photo in this set is right on April 1st. Something about that seems really neat and tidy, to have it be the first half of the month.

Oooh. I do love neat & tidy.


Today was a Sunday. A busy one. And I'm fortunately taking tomorrow off to attend training and meetings for my upcoming gig as a Lead Volunteer at the San Francisco International Film Festival (!) (so excited!), so it doesn't feel quite as apocalyptic right now as a typical Sunday evening does.

So without further ado...

Warning: gorgeous spring weather, clouds, multiple instances of ducklings ahead!

April 1st: I went on my first lunch run of 2015 and discovered a massive number of adorable ducklings at the lake <3

April 2nd: One of many Easter treats I received at work on this Thursday before Easter weekend. So good. It was so good.

April 3rd: I photographed a pop-up petting zoo at a company in San Francisco and it was one of the best things ever!!!!

April 4th: SF bay, as seen from a sunny farmers market morning

April 5th: I did a blank puzzle this month, and here it is, about halfway finished. I finished it two days ago! 

April 6th: puffy clouds ahead of a (these days) rare storm

April 7th: reflection in a puddle, after the storm had moved through. We got some rain! 

April 8th: a gorgeous, gorgeous view of Aquatic Park in Berkeley, as seen from my lunch run. 

April 9th: as seen at North Berkeley BART; something I've meant to photograph all year long.

April 10th: the foliage is pretty much all in now, around here. Gorgeous plum and maple trees, rustling in the breeze. 

April 11th: Ft. Mason (and a huge dragonfly!) snapped before I got very drunk at the SF Vintners Market ;) 

April 12th: gorgeous spring flowers in full bloom at the Conservatory of Flowers, Golden Gate Park. <3 <3 <3 <3 

April 13th: not feeling it this last Monday on BART. Monday the 13th, that's like Friday the 13th, right? 

April 14th: my favorite neighborhood sculpture in Patricia's Green, Hayes Valley. 

April 15th: oh hi, another lunch run in Berkeley, and moar ducklings, ducklings everywhere! What a beautiful day.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Project 365 | 076-90

I realized earlier today that it's been nearly a month since my uncle died (Monday will mark one month). I feel like I've been in some kind of alternate reality time travel situation over the last month. It at once feels like yesterday and an eternity since my family's life was so disrupted. I don't really know how I'm feeling. I keep forgetting, in my everyday life, to go easy on myself. Life seems "normal" much of the time, but is it? Is it really? I don't think it is. Life goes on after someone dies, and one of the hardest things is dealing with re-integrating yourself back into "business as usual" when for you, part of your life will never go on, ever again.

I struggled so badly with this particular point after my dad died. I'd never experienced loss before, and certainly not traumatic loss. I was only 20 years old. I didn't have a great support system back home, and all of the feelings I felt were new to me. I didn't understand how to resume my life, and as a result I spent an entire summer sitting in front of my computer in a dark loft, not at school, not at a job, doing pretty much nothing. I resented the world for continuing on. Didn't it understand I couldn't? Why did people expect me to be totally fine when I returned home from the funeral?

This time around, I feel like an "old pro" (isn't that horrible?) but that too is a fallacy. Even though I've gotten pretty good at compartmentalizing and putting bad stuff out of my mind in order to function, that doesn't mean I've dealt with everything, or maybe anything. I experienced a similar dulling of my senses after my grandfather died in 2010, and I'm not sure I dealt with that for at least a year. But you can't force these kind of things to behave a certain way. They just happen, whether you want them to or not, and on their own time frame. Eventually I dealt with my grandfather's death. I'll deal with this, but it's going to take time. And I need to remember that I'm off kilter.

Part of this is that I totally fell behind on posting these Project 365 blog posts, without even thinking about it. And now I have much to catch up on. And it means I'm reliving everything a bit.

We're going all the way back to March, about a month ago. Enjoy -- I absolutely love a lot of these photos, and spring is in full force. A story of the last month, told one day at a time:

March 17th: Spring in Berkeley (this will be a theme, believe me) // also, look up (I've been doing this more and more)

March 18th: more spring in Berkeley. I spend a lot of time searching out blossoms at this time of year. 

March 19th: Clan of Xymox at DNA Lounge -- an amazing night of music <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 not a great photo. I tried! 

March 20th: Berkeley architecture, which I love so much. Lines, geometry, color. 

March 21st: After finding out about my uncle, I went to the loft, and my beautiful sweet Zeke was there to comfort me.

March 22nd: Pigeon on the building across the street // look up // I didn't leave the house all day on this sober Sunday.

March 23rd: I spied a lucky ladybug on a plant while walking to lunch in Berkeley. It was the first good omen in days.

March 24th: I know you're surprised, but this is more spring in Berkeley, guys! I knew it could leave while I was in Idaho.

March 25th: Looking out the window at SFO, at the plane that later flew me to Boise. I felt so much dread at this moment.

March 26th: Spring in Boise was absolutely amazing, more beautiful than I ever could have imagined. Such a juxtaposition.

March 27th: At BOI, looking at the plane that later flew me (in first class!) back to San Francisco. 

March 28th: Harassing gulls at the farmers market. My dad's birthday. I bet this is my dad as a gull, the look is perfect

March 29th: a gorgeous, absolutely amazing spring Sunday in Hayes Valley // Patricia's Green

March 30th: I found an abandoned monster truck toy on 4th Street in Berkeley. THE RAMINATOR. 

March 31st: I went on a walk in the morning in west Berkeley and came upon a harbinger of April: gorgeous wisteria

Friday, April 3, 2015

Things I am excited about

I don't know how I'm doing. I guess I'm doing OK most of the time. Which is to say -- I'm probably not OK, but I keep it below the surface most of the time so that I can go ahead with my everyday life. It's one of those things. Grief is weird. I'm ready to be over it, but that's how I feel about most things involving emotions, and I also know you can't just jettison feelings or not go through the process of feeling them. So whatever, I'll just try to be patient. But do know that I'm eager to deal with it and move on with my life, and I'll mostly be acting as normal as possible to facilitate that. Just try not to assume I'm fine, OK?

Plus, life really does go on whether you're ready for it or not, and I feel motivated to get my life back on track and enjoy the happiness of spring and summer. Because hello, it's already April.

This is the time of year where life usually gets really good for me (I also said this last year around this time, and reading through my archives yesterday reminded me of how true this is). There's a lot of stuff I'm looking forward to right now, just in the next two months:

TYPO SF — My favorite photography gig is happening again at the end of the month. I like to call it "design summer camp" and it's a reunion of my favorite creative people. I am so lucky to have this gig, and every year it resets my creative juices and inspires me for the rest of the year.

SFIFF —I'm so, so excited to volunteer at the SF International Film Festival again. This year I hope to be a Lead Volunteer, which comes with additional responsibility. I had the time of my life volunteering at the festival last year, and learned a lot about myself, and I've been so eager for the chance to do it again. Obviously I'll be scaling back on other things to do this, as it's quite an intense two weeks. I'm going to my orientation tomorrow. Did I mention I'm excited?!

KitTea — I'm going to be volunteering at the new Cat Cafe opening down the street from my apartment. Yes, you heard right. The purpose of the cafe is to help cats get adopted, and I am really, really, really excited about helping out. I met the founders last month and they're great.

Wanderlust — The day before Bay to Breakers,  I'll be doing a "mindful triathlon" by one of my favorite organizations, Wanderlust. It's a 5k, yoga and meditation triathlon. I managed to get a sought after ticket, and it's beyond sold out now, so I feel really lucky to get to experience this, and on the same weekend as another special SF event, too.

Bay to Breakers — This will be my first race since last year's Run for the Seals (which was all the way back in August. I am so excited. I'm also very nervous, since I only just began running again when I was in Boise last week, and certainly won't be in amazing shape in mid May. But I'm happy just to run this special race again, even if I need to walk part of it, even if I don't PR. It's all good.

And these are just the big things. There are other shows and yoga classes and things like that to look forward to, also. I just really wanted to get that last blog post off of the top of my blog page, because it's really painful for me to look at it. And saying positive stuff is always worth it.

And now it's the WEEKEND, so hooray!

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